Chattels

Heather and I are housesitting for friends in New Farm. It's a lovely worker's cottage, and we have it all to ourselves, apart from two adorable kittens. It's surprisingly pleasant to be woken up by two playful bundles of fluff at three o'clock in the morning. Even more pleasant is waking up to find the kittens asleep, entwined, between Heather and me.

Today I was thinking about the possibility of writing something (apart from the blog) about the wedding. An article or, should I ever muster the work ethic, a book. And I thought about what I told my Dad when I came out: 'I won't be running around telling lots of people about my sexuality. I don't want to embarrass you.'

The problem, of course, is that if I write about the marriage, it becomes a very public event. If I published something, my parents would probably be mortified. My last name is very distinctive, and very easily linked back to my immediate family. If my last name were Smith, things would be easier.

I was sitting outside the New Farm library today thinking about this. I got there half an hour before they opened, so I had plenty of thinking time. I was thinking that I could adopt Heather's last name, since, firstly, it's hers, and secondly, it's quite a common name. Then I would have the freedom to publish whatever I want, free of my family's concerns.

I thought about this for a few minutes before realising that all of these concerns are about ownership, in a way. Ownership, which historically was one of the most important -- and most sexist -- parts of marriage. Is this really what I should be spending time worrying about? My father's right to 'own' part of my story? Passing that right over to Heather?

Absolutely not. It's my story, name, right. I'll write about it all I bloody want. I love my family. But I won't let them control what isn't theirs.

Commitment and coming out

Several days ago, Jean left a comment on one of my older posts about coming out. She said that a family wedding invitation was the impetus for her coming out, as it was for my own. I wonder if this is a common reason for making the announcement. The minute someone in your family announces a wedding, there's so much discussion about marriage. Not just the specific marriage of your sister or brother (as in my case), but marriage in general becomes a favoured family conversation topic. In my case, I started to think about the idea of commitment. Not only my commitment to Heather, but also my commitment to not disclose my sexuality to my dad. I thought about the promise my brother was making, and I thought about the long life that is, hopefully, ahead of me. I couldn't commit to a lifetime of lies. I knew I needed to come out to my dad. And I'm so glad I did.